Panic and Poetry.

I never really got poetry. I mean it's beautiful, and there are several poems that I absolutely love, but I've never really been able to write poetry. It just doesn't come to me. However, in the last few weeks I have realized that maybe I just haven't ever experienced an emotion deep enough to write poetry. Maybe writers become poets when their emotions are just too much to contain; when the pain, sad, happy, fear, or whatever it is, becomes too much and spills over to create something beautiful. This discovery was completely by accident, you see, I was having a hard time at school, experiencing a lot of stress. Then it was just too much and I was overwhelmed by a panic attack. Now if you have never had a panic attack all I can say is they are the worst. Out of nowhere irrational fear and the feeling of eminent death attacked me. But this was hardly my first experience with panic attacks, and each time they come I try a new way to control them. This particular time I decided to write down exactly what I was feeling and see if that helped. This is what came out on paper:

He goes for the throat,

She braces for the stroke.

She tries to feel safe,

But he is every place.

He's an undeniable presence,

She just cannot find the sense.

She cannot run, she cannot hide,

He holds her up his prize his pride.

She is a puppet to the master,

He chases her and screams 'faster'.

She cannot breathe,

He sits and seethes.

I'm sorry she chokes,

Be better he pokes.

I tried she cries,

You failed he replies.

Forgive me she pleads,

I will never he decrees.

Never?

Never she repeats.

Never she concedes. 

I will never be free. 

Now I realize that this is pretty pathetic as far as poems go, but for me this is incredible. I have tried for hours- and failed miserably- to write poems in the past, and this just fell on the paper in a matter of minutes. And reading it calmed my fear. The more I read it the better I felt and the better I understood my panic.

Now looking back I'm happy to think maybe I can control my panic attacks, and make something worthwhile in the process. 

Till I Make It....

Today, in my writing for the media class, we talked about blogs. There is a whole chapter in my textbook about blogs, and the first line is the quote from Rebecca Blood, "It's easy to write poorly, but it's hard to write poorly everyday... It's hard to write everyday." I could not agree more. I obviously have trouble posting more than once every three months. (I am truly sorry about that!) But reading this chapter, and the class discussion has inspired me!


I will not promise to write everyday, because that would be setting myself up for failure. I do, however, want to try and write some little nonsense once a week. This week I'll tell you about my life.


I am living with my good friend, and the author of Curvy Irby Road, Sarah and her son Jack. We have a blast everyday. My school schedule is crazy hectic, but I can always count on Sarah and Jack to make my day better. Also, besides my full class load, I am co-editor of the student e-newspaper on campus. Learning my way around editing the paper has been... interesting to say the least. I keep falling down but I somehow always manage to pull myself up. And each day I get a little better. So bring it on college world! I'm ready!

My First Post

This is my first attempt at a blog, and what an exciting adventure it should be! I have thought long and hard about what my first post should be. Since it will set the tone for my entire blog, I want it to be just right. I have decided to start by explaining why I chose to start a blog. I am young, (almost 20 years young) I have no grand life experiences, (I'm still in school) I really have no exceptionally spectacular insight on any subject. I am your run of the mill college student just trying to figure out how this "Real World" works. So why start a blog?

There are several possible answers to this question but the most important is, I want to write. Here, the key word is "want". I am a Media Communication major, and I hope one day to be a journalist. But I have this unrealistic fear of people reading my writing. What better way to overcome a fear than to face it head on? I will publish my ramblings for the internet world to see.

I should probably also warn you that if you do so choose to read my blog I don't have a whole lot to offer. I can't promise deep insight or profound wisdom. However, I can promise my unique perspective and the silly anecdotes of a college kid blundering her way through higher education.

So off we go on an awfully big adventure!